I remember a time I knew I felt something but I didn’t know what to call it.. ?? I remember a time I saw a pattern or maybe a trend but thought it was just totally random.. ?? those were the days that most things felt new and everyday you saw and learnt something different… it just naturally felt more real .. more authentic..!
And then there came the era of “labels”…!! I didn’t start this blog to talk about the things I don’t like..rather to find out the things I truly love.. . however some days I feel like there are few things in life I clearly despite.. and stating them here for everyone to see… will get me closer to finding the things I actually like. So I guess in so many words I just said I don’t like labels…!! So just to be clear .. these aren’t brand labels on products or the washing instructions on clothes.. Well maybe I do hate the washing instruction labels on some clothes.. some of them really do itch quite a bit. Anyway coming back to the point….
Why do we “LABEL” people…??? So i Why do all nerds go to libraries.. and study hard ..? why do all geeks have their eyes glued to computers.. why am I a loser if I try so hard and maybe don’t get the results I want. WHY???
Why do I have to live my life so someone won’t slap a label on my back.. ?? Should I be afraid to say I studied hard cz then I will be the nerd.. should I be afraid to try a new sport and start going out much.. cz I was called a Geek few years back.. Should I stop wasting my time trying out new things and going the extra mile cz not matter what I will always be the loser..?
And then on the other hand a more intellectually accomplished elite group of people during their work hours .. try to discover the uniqueness of human beings .. with advancements of DNA and more research on neuroscience.. ? I bet these people go home too and wonder if he/she is a total Loser if these research did not turn out good..
What am I ? A label that someone slapped on me for doing the things I do or trying the things I tried? Or am I me who did those things and tried those things ? Why do people judge? what makes them better than the rest of us?? Are they better? And I what they say I am?? Or am I me the way I know me?
I came back to find myself, what I left behind the last time I left a footprint in my blog. This was my way to find myself and discover who I was when I’m feeling lost.
I started this 4 years ago, things have changed… what I didn’t have then I have found it now. BUT one thing seems very familiar to who I am and I would be a totally different person if this was not a part of my life.
I’m a thinker. Not the good kind.. the kind that worry too much about every single thing. I lived in isolation and finally back in the company of my loved ones. I should be happy right?!?! I am not. I constantly worry about everything and everyone.
Please tell me how to escape this constant prison of worry and pain.. I just want to escape into the freedom and light-heartedness that I am sure I felt in one moment or two in the past. An unknown feeling of total contentment.
Please tell me how to get it back ?!?!?!?!
Days went by fast.. I didn’t realize I haven’t visited WordPress in quite a long time.. !! Long enough that I had even forgotten my password.. !!
So this week is a big one for me.. so much so that I have almost .. juuuust almost lived 3 decades in few days time…. !!! lets just put it that way.. !! I am just too attached too stuck and too in love with being in the 20s .. I almost don’t want to accept that I will need to write 3 and 0 together under age category…The days that I said ohh I’m still in my 20s are fading away in lightning speed.. and I am still in denial.. lol….
I just thought that my dears and nears are so fed up of me going on and on about this 30 business.. they just don’t want to deal with that anymore.. lol ….soooo…. I decided to transfer some of that towards my dear bloggers.. who have been with me through my hard and good times.. !! I just wanted to share this moment with you all..
while at the same time.. opening the comments section up for any advice.. any suggestions and any tips as I go through to this next stage of my life.. 😀
Lets celebrate.. !!!
Time to time I wonder if I ever get to do all the small things I have in mind..its at those moments I aimlessly make long lists of all things I want to do.. Every time I de-clutter my small apartment I come across at least one or two of these lists of things to do..
It was time to put a stop to this pointless list making . it was time to take some action.. so I picked one item off of my list. “I want my own garden”..
Garden.. !?!? In a top floor small apartment..!?!? And then………….. *epiphany*…!!!
it was not so long ago I had set my eyes on a miniature garden in a glass bowl – a terrarium.. !! In the couple days that followed I was fascinated by terrariums.. not only I had seen hundreds of pictures of them.. I had all the know hows of how to make one.. !
Finding all the things you need to make a terrarium while living in small rural town however, proved be almost an impossible task.. All I wanted was a small garden of cactus.. !! I must have talked a lot about this or something.. I was so lucky to get some cactus plants as a gift from far far away.. .. ! Once a month I visit my parents in the big city… which is when I do all my shopping.. but the weekend usually ends up being too short to shop for all my needs… so procuring process all the ingredients was a slow one..
Anyway long story short .. 2-3 months passed.. finally I was ready..!! I had everything I wanted.. !Hard day of work ..I was hungry …but didnt care.. I sat down and finished my terrarium..! I stepped back to look at it.. I was proud of my work.. It turned out way better than I expected.I proudly showed it to all my friends and family.. the compliments I got only made me happier..it was my pride and joy..
Every morning I started a habit of staring at it before I leave to work.. it reminds me … a long painful wait is only the time it takes for something great..!!
As couple weeks go by, I figured my apartment is highly due for a clean up… I was just dusting the stand that holds my terrarium….I dusted around it carefully making sure not to drop it.. maybe I was too careful… I don’t know .. the next few seconds were just a blurr… when I came back to my senses the terrarium was in pieces.. plants and stones and soil all over my freshly mopped floor…!! The surrounding sounded unusually quiet.. maybe I was in shock for a minute or two. It did really feel like I hit the rock bottom.. !!
What just happened.. ?!?!? Why does it always happen to me.. !?!? Was it cz I loved it too much..?!?!? those were the question I usually ask myself.. but today I had already decided I was going to be happy no matter what..
In a blink of an eye I find myself getting ready to go to the store..afterall all I needed was another glass bowl .. everything else was nicely laying on the floor…. Lucky enough glass bowls are not too hard to find.. even a in a small town like where I am… ! Soon as I got back from the store.. I sat down exactly like last time.. and within 10 mins Wola!!! its like its was never even broken.. !!
I hate short stories.. but I’m going to stop it right there.. !! I want to hope it was just a premature ending of a story that has a long way to go .. !! If you know what I mean… !?!?!
Pain comes and goes..!! But does it really ?? or do we just learn to work around it..?? Pain is worry..worry is pain.. worrying about something its the reason for pain…!!
Worry is within us all.. in the happiest and the saddest moments of life.. you worry that the good time is coming to an end.. or you worry about the sadness that never seems to end.. no matter what plans you have in life … worry and pain is bound to follow you through. Just like our shadows that we take every where we go..! sometimes its faint but sometimes its right on your face… but at the end of the day it stays in its own way.. !!
so how can you conquer this matter in life.. how do you put an end to this pain.. pain is pain .. and worry is worry.. so why worry about worry .. for it always will be .. you can ignore it.. you can try to solve it.. u can embrace it.. either way it remains.. unchanged..!!
Anyway …that’s life..! what do you do when you realize it..? you just let it be..? move on ..? keep going.. ? and feel it sometimes.. ? but let it go for the moment ..? take a breath..?? accept it and leave it.. ??
.. u cannot get rid of it.. ??? u cannot fix it..??? its there if you want to embrace it.. ??
but would you..?
I was absent for a while…!! So the big move happened ..things took a different turn.. !! Usually even the thought of such a big change cripples me inside..but this time I knew I needed it. I needed a break.. I needed a new start… ! I just didn’t know what would be a good place to start…!! All I did was just wait..and it worked out for me this time..!! 🙂
Things changed..!! I was lost for a while.. I wasn’t sure what I should do next.. so I waited for a sign..! I have a habit of picking my own signs.. and naming an outcome that comes along with the sign..!! I wanted something magical ..something that said all is fine..and things are working out and all I had to do was just give it some time.. !!
Just a silly thought came to my mind and I knew the sign had to be locked down as nothing less than a magical “Rainbow”. I would drive to work and go for a walk.. my eyes would always wander around the sky.. !! Days turned to weeks and weeks tuned to months.. there was no sign of a Rainbow in sight. I blamed myself for being so naive and for being so silly as to look for rainbows in the sky.. !! I told myself.. this is real life.. rocks aren’t made of candy and clouds aren’t cotton fluff… so what the hell I’m doing searching for a rainbow in the sky.
By this time I had found a carpool and on the way home I was half way falling asleep. I remember it was a sunny summer day but the light drizzle made it chilly.. just enough to put anyone to sleep..The first guy got dropped off and the sudden change of rhythm woke me up for good this time.. !! The other guy in the car was saying something .. “check out the sky .. I got to take a pic to show my kids”… My sleepy eyes turned to the sky not knowing what was that all about.. !!
Only to see the “SIGN” the “RAINBOW” in the sky. a rainbow so broad covering half the sky.. nothing like anything I have seen before.. I was speechless and just knew things are fine..!! I turned around and watched until it was no where to be seen.. then settled back in the seat filled with hope and a smile on my face… The sun seeping through the light mist settling in.. made it feel like I am living in a fairy tale.. I looked up again and there it was .. so bright and colorful .. there was Rainbow #2…!! I wanted to cry I wanted to laugh.. I wanted to hold that moment for ever to be saved. So ladies and gentlemen there was the sign..!!
But just a reminder …like I said..the sign was meant to bring me an outcome.. I was hoping for a dramatic change.. I thought would go home and welcomed by the answer to my pain..!! It wasn’t that simple.. but I am still hopeful and I am feeling free as I can ever be..!! I am still waiting for all the answers and I just know its just around the corner.. !! Things will work out.. for everyone wants happiness no one wants pain..But you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain..!! 😀
Some times all you need is a long path and a breath of fresh air.. !! 😀