Time to time I wonder if I ever get to do all the small things I have in mind..its at those moments I aimlessly make long lists of all things I want to do.. Every time I de-clutter my small apartment I come across at least one or two of these lists of things to do..
It was time to put a stop to this pointless list making . it was time to take some action.. so I picked one item off of my list. “I want my own garden”..
Garden.. !?!? In a top floor small apartment..!?!? And then………….. *epiphany*…!!!
it was not so long ago I had set my eyes on a miniature garden in a glass bowl – a terrarium.. !! In the couple days that followed I was fascinated by terrariums.. not only I had seen hundreds of pictures of them.. I had all the know hows of how to make one.. !
Finding all the things you need to make a terrarium while living in small rural town however, proved be almost an impossible task.. All I wanted was a small garden of cactus.. !! I must have talked a lot about this or something.. I was so lucky to get some cactus plants as a gift from far far away.. .. ! Once a month I visit my parents in the big city… which is when I do all my shopping.. but the weekend usually ends up being too short to shop for all my needs… so procuring process all the ingredients was a slow one..
Anyway long story short .. 2-3 months passed.. finally I was ready..!! I had everything I wanted.. !Hard day of work ..I was hungry …but didnt care.. I sat down and finished my terrarium..! I stepped back to look at it.. I was proud of my work.. It turned out way better than I expected.I proudly showed it to all my friends and family.. the compliments I got only made me happier..it was my pride and joy..
Every morning I started a habit of staring at it before I leave to work.. it reminds me … a long painful wait is only the time it takes for something great..!!
As couple weeks go by, I figured my apartment is highly due for a clean up… I was just dusting the stand that holds my terrarium….I dusted around it carefully making sure not to drop it.. maybe I was too careful… I don’t know .. the next few seconds were just a blurr… when I came back to my senses the terrarium was in pieces.. plants and stones and soil all over my freshly mopped floor…!! The surrounding sounded unusually quiet.. maybe I was in shock for a minute or two. It did really feel like I hit the rock bottom.. !!
What just happened.. ?!?!? Why does it always happen to me.. !?!? Was it cz I loved it too much..?!?!? those were the question I usually ask myself.. but today I had already decided I was going to be happy no matter what..
In a blink of an eye I find myself getting ready to go to the store..afterall all I needed was another glass bowl .. everything else was nicely laying on the floor…. Lucky enough glass bowls are not too hard to find.. even a in a small town like where I am… ! Soon as I got back from the store.. I sat down exactly like last time.. and within 10 mins Wola!!! its like its was never even broken.. !!
I hate short stories.. but I’m going to stop it right there.. !! I want to hope it was just a premature ending of a story that has a long way to go .. !! If you know what I mean… !?!?!
Has it ever happened to you.. ?? Out of no where you miss something that was once too much.. too obvious.. and too present to miss..??
So while I was tossing and turning on the bed last night.. I was hearing a light tapping on my bedroom window.. I could hear the heavy wind making a roaring sound.. the light tapping was the rain drops..!!! This very thing was something that made me so happy growing up .. as heavy rains meant there’s no school tomorrow… !! (something like a snow day here) …I go to bed with a smile on my face.. 😀
Now where I live rain is not so common.. rarely you hear the raindrops and the wind somehow is of the abundance….Sometimes the small car I drive really feels this wind.. meaning I can’t really go light on the steering wheel without wind trying to blow away my car along with me in it.. ok now that’s too much of an exaggeration… But the point is wind is often heavy.. but the light rain that wash away the weary of long lasting hot summer days or almost ending cold winters.. is a rare occurrence .. !!
Last night with the calming sound of the raindrops .. I was half way down the memory lane until I don’t remember anymore.. I must have fallen asleep… !
I started my school on a rainy day.. I was happy to wear my new rain coat that my dad got me for the first day of school.. other kids had umbrellas .. I liked how I was the only one in a rain coat so bright and yellow.. !! Although school has always given me chills even before I stepped foot in there.. the walk to school was always a fun one.. !! We were careful to ignore the puddles..and so quick to go to the side when a car passed through splashing all of us.. the fact that our school uniform was white .. didn’t help at all.. on a rainy day..!!
Some how the school sports meet was always on the hottest months of the year.. February..!! We only wished for rain which never came.. as for hours we were out in the burning sun for various sports events.. !! Although the first poem I ever learned for English was “Rain Rain Go Away” this didn’t really make much sense on these sports days.. !! ..
Some how my memories, my life back home was so connected with rain.. now hearing the mere sound of rain drops alone gives me teary eyes with a gutt wrenching feeling of nostalgia.. Ohh the good old days..!!
I miss the rain..!!
As the year goes by……….
The sunless winters brings out the worst of your moods.. as months pass and spring arrives through the cold breeze.. so does the mood it peeks out through the gloominess.. the sunny summers continue to improve… while around fall things get transitional.. good but bad.. clear but blurry.. past months of the year and the future months of next year to come.. regrets and some achievements.. cold but warm weather.. confusion of lost chances or gained experiences.. then its time for the new years to starts.. through the darkness you hope.. hope for the summery warmth yet to come..!! Life goes on like wheel that turns continuously..
Right now.. as April arrives.. I see glimpse of hope.. budding through the darkness … I hope for a warm heart felt summer.. full of memories.. created and missed towards the end of the year.. I’m feeling hopeful..!!
It was one of those days .. After work I was really tired and my knee was killing me… Everything seemed a bit irritating and I was getting impatient.. the fact that I was stuck in a doctor’s clinic waiting room did anything but improve my mood. I tried reading the boring pamphlets but the long paragraphs felt like blobs of blahh….. As minutes turned to an hour I was starting to lose it.. I didn’t hear the usual voice in the back of my head telling me to calm down..!!
So… I got up and walked towards the receptionist…. just wanting to vent it out.. Then bam…..!!! This was up on the wall by the reception….. So I smiled at her instead…and said “looks like it’s a busy day ” !! She smiled back and said “you are the next one in line” 🙂
I’m glad I didn’t say anything.. It turned out not so bad after all..!!
Some times all you need is that one word or the friendly smile to get a break from your usual day today struggles..This did it for me (so yeah I did take a photo when the receptionist wasn’t looking :P).. Hope it will help someone else too.. !! Sometimes doing less does more than it seems.
A wise lady once told me.. ” if you want to write something good you start with an empty page..” So here I am with an empty blog screen.. waiting for something to come to me..
While I’m waiting my mind wanders.. and suddenly I’m thinking “I wonder what will others think.. if they saw me staring at this page.. waiting.. !?”
I wonder if they think I’m stupid.. if they think I’m just wasting my time.. or I should go do something else .. But I really want to write.. !!
Now I’m debating in my head.. should I write or should I not.. because what will others say.. !?!
Does it really matter what they say or should I just stick to what I want. Am I making the right decision or just wasting my time.. ??
So what if they thought I am a loser.. does that really make me one..?
So what if others say I’m not good enough.. do I stop wanting to write.. ?
What makes me good enough ? is it the labels that others put on me or is it what I really feel inside.. ?
I know what makes me feel good I know I should write.. but what if no one likes what I write.. should I really care about that..?
The Fall feeling is a nice but a short one.. !! It comes too fast and leaves too fast..
I have always loved the summer.. regardless of the occasional extreme high temperature days… !! where the sun is unbearable.. sometimes it makes you feel dehydrated to the point where you are almost about to faint.. !! I used to wait for the bus in this weather.. but still I thought “atleast its not the cold”.. I hate winters.. !!
Like anyone else .. I love the fresh snow fall.. brings a refreshing feel..
Now.. what I hate is the sustaining cold conditions.. where the snow turns brown from the traffic.. like someone puked across the whole land.. disgusting.. !! and the slippery roads..and the cars splashing snowy cold slush.. while you walk on the side walks.. plus the weird annoying sound the slush makes when u walk on it.. !!
SO this love and hate relationship I have about summer and winter… ties together perfectly in the Fall season.. I hate the idea of the transition period.. very unsettling.. belonging to either extreme helps me make up my mind..and expect what is expected..
Fall has this unknown feeling of .. how the day is going to turn out.. it can be cold.. or warm.. nice or annoying.. !! the perfect balance of good and bad..
Although I hate this feeling .. unsettling .. unpredictable.. transition.. I love the unexpectedness of it.. !!
The fall leaves.. yellowish green.. the summary weather that permits you to wear light clothes with a jacket on top.. the whole idea of layering…!! I was born in this season..
I often wonder if thats the reason why I feel happy but sad.. sad but happy.. and when I look back… the waiting/transition period has always been the best.. the result is just blahh.. the walk towards the destination is the best gift.. but oh well.. unfortunately you realize this when things are already over and done with..!!